Infertility trauma. What exactly is it? This is an immensely important question. Whether you are currently going through or have previously gone through infertility of any kind, you are almost certain to experience some level of trauma from the whole thing.
There’s no official diagnosis per se for infertility trauma, so it’s more of a self diagnosis. Really taking stock of all that you’ve been through on your fertility journey is what will help you determine if you yourself have infertility trauma.
It’s not a matter of how long you’ve been in the infertility game, or how many treatments you’ve undergone. It doesn’t even matter what type of infertility you officially have!
What’s important is knowing yourself and what infertility has or hasn’t done to you.
Before we jump into infertility trauma itself, let’s talk about trauma in general terms.
According to Oxford Languages, the definition of trauma is two fold:
But what does that really mean? Trauma comes in many shapes, sizes, and forms. Emotional, Physical, & Spiritual trauma are some examples, but we’ll jump more in-depth with those in a minute.
Trauma can affect so many parts of you that it can be difficult to differentiate what part of you is traumatized. Is it physical trauma? Emotional trauma? Spiritual?
Ultimately, the most obvious is usually physical trauma, simply because of the fact that you are more likely to actually feel this kind of trauma. But more on that in a minute.
What’s more is even if you’ve been traumatized, recognizing it as more than just being “bothered” or “upset” by something is very important. The word trauma can be very triggering for many people. For someone who is triggered by the word trauma, acknowledging that they are genuinely dealing with a trauma might be very difficult.
If this is you, I encourage you to keep reading!
Now that you have a general understanding of trauma, let’s talk about infertility.
According to the CDC, infertility is defined as not being able to get pregnant (conceive) after one year (or longer) of unprotected sex.
This is further complicated by the various “types” or “causes” of infertility. For example:
The reality is, each category of infertility comes with its own set of trauma, both physical and emotional. That makes it more complicated.
It’s complicated because even if you receive a diagnosis (even one that isn’t listed above) just having that diagnosis might not solve the issue.
Even more complex is looking at the length of time you’ve been going through infertility.
1 year? 5 years? 20 years? While it’s all relevant to the trauma itself, the importance of the amount of time you’ve been experiencing infertility is actually irrelevant.
Trauma is trauma.
So what is infertility trauma? Essentially, infertility trauma is the long term effects of the anxiety, stress, and physical demands of infertility.
Trauma, from an emotional aspect, is something that stays with you and effects you deeply.
In the section above I talked about how the length of time that you’ve been going through infertility is relevant while its importance is minor.
Being traumatized by something doesn’t solely rely on how long that trauma occurred for. Is it a factor? Of course! But, since we are all very unique individuals and how we experience life is so vastly different from each other, then the amount of time that we went through the trauma (in this case, infertility) may or may not have an impact on how this trauma has affected us.
I’m a great example. I went through a 3 year battle with infertility. These 3 years included 14 fertility treatments including IUIs, IVF, fertility medications, countless injections, and so much more.
Even though my journey ended with a successful pregnancy and 2 healthy babies, I still carry the trauma of infertility with me every day.
Emotional trauma, according to The Jed Foundation, is the end result of events or experiences that leave us feeling deeply unsafe and often helpless. It can result from a single event or be part of an ongoing experience, such as chronic abuse, bullying, discrimination or humiliation.
Infertility, in this instance is the abuser/bully/mean girl, etc. Infertility can have an absolutely profound effect on your emotional health, even leading to depression, anxiety, and PTSD.
That’s not to say that every single person battling infertility will become depressed or experience PTSD. However, the fact remains that the life altering experience of infertility puts you at higher risk.
In my case, after my failed IVF, I fell into a depression. I immediately sought out professional mental health assistance when I recognized the signs.
Every day I was waking up feeling hopeless, just staring at the wall. I wasn’t interested in eating, even when I was hungry. Every day felt more like it was being forced upon me rather than a new day to live and explore life.
I began to realize that I was traumatized by infertility.
Another aspect of emotional trauma caused by infertility is the financial aspect.
The truth is, infertility is expensive. In many cases, insurance doesn’t cover treatments such as IUI or IVF, and that can add up!
This often contributes to emotional trauma on top of all of the other things that infertility throws at you.
Even if you have insurance that covers treatment, there are still financial demands.
Physical trauma comes in many forms. Hormonal changes, skin changes, and even emotional changes all affect your physical health. Sometimes these changes are subtle, other times they are massive and make a huge impact.
The hormonal changes in your body that occur through infertility, affect everything. Fertility treatments are usually administered using one or a variety of hormones.
There are 2 parts to this trauma.
There’s the very obvious (though usually minor) trauma of needles and injections.
Many people have very real phobias of needles and/or injections, and the necessity of having to inject yourself or be injected, can cause great emotional stress.
The other aspect is what hormonal surges and drops can do physically. Something as simple as a hot flash can be quite traumatic.
When I was being prescribed Clomid, I was regularly getting vicious, almost painful hot flashes. I was traumatized by those hot flashes because there were:
This is just one type of physical trauma. Sometimes the treatment for the cause itself of infertility is exactly what causes the trauma.
Surgery to remove endometriosis can be traumatic. Having a full or partial hysterectomy can be traumatic. Giving yourself injections regularly can be traumatic. Even regular invasive ultrasounds during treatments can be traumatic.
Spiritual trauma is a tough one because it’s very personal. Spirituality itself is a very subjective thing. Spirituality is defined differently among people.
The definition of spirituality, by Oxford Languages, is:
Whereas Merriam-Webster Webster says:
And Very Well Mind defines it this way:
These are all excellent definitions, but they’re also very different.
My definition sort of blends them and adds in some other things. I define spirituality as:
When infertility tramples on your life it causes emotional distress & physical issues. But what about that really sneaky part that comes in and makes you question everything you ever thought you believed. This is a very really trauma that infertility inflicts.
I’m a prime example of suffering from spiritual trauma caused by infertility.
There came a point where I started questioning my faith and my own belief system. To be candid, I’m not a religious person, but in both my family and my husband’s family are very religious people. From multiple, very different religions. So while I’m personally not a religious person, I have great respect for religion and its importance in many people’s lives.
For me, I began questioning the concept of God or a higher power. I’ve always been on the fence about it, but when infertility took hold of my life and my future, I started thinking that being on the fence was ridiculous and it was time to hop off and accept what I viewed as reality.
That in itself was extremely traumatic, and I’ll tell you why.
Physically hopping off a fence can be traumatic. I know because my Grandfather once hopped off a fence when he was young and lost his pinky finger. For whatever reason, he wasn’t quite ready to jump, or he wasn’t paying attention.
My Grandfather told me that story when I was little and noticed that he had a pinky knuckle on one hand but no pinky finger. Just hearing that story traumatized me!
Now, even though my story of being on the fence about a higher power is a metaphor (so I’m not literally hopping off a fence of course!), even metaphorically hopping off a fence can be traumatic if you’re not sure if it’s the right move.
So, like my Grandfather hopping off the fence too soon and losing a finger, metaphorically hopping off the fence before I was ready, left a nagging feeling in my gut that I was betraying my own beliefs. That was my version of losing my pinky finger.
Navigating emotional, physical, and spiritual trauma caused by infertility is a difficult feat. But it doesn’t have to be! You can tackle it head on and kick infertility trauma right to the curb.
But you have to be open to not just acknowledging the trauma, but coming face to face with it and sorting through it.
The beautiful thing is that doing the work to shift your mindset, take care of your body, and live your best life, is a fun and exciting adventure all on its own
The truth is, infertility trauma is real and most people gloss over it and try to push it as far down as possible so as to not have to deal with it, like many types of trauma. The problem with this approach is that down the road, this lingering trauma can come back and cause you more problems.
Rather than facing it and working through each layer of trauma so that you can truly move forward, you ignore it and let it fester until it explodes. Not only that, but when it does explode, it’s at the worst possible time.
So ultimately, you’re causing yourself more harm in the long run. Facing the trauma and sorting through it sooner rather than later will help prevent the inevitable explosion.
If you’re ready to tackle your infertility trauma, click here to learn more about The Warrior’s Workshop.
